Friday, January 20, 2006

The Ranking of the Bills

After a conversation earlier today regarding the new HBO polygamy series Big Love, I realized that even though I have seen him in almost a dozen movies, Bill Paxton has never left the tiniest impression on my brain. I have absolutely no opinion about him whatsoever. Whenever I see him in something, he slips out of my mind almost immediately. He's a cypher, nil, absolute zero.

In short, the perfect neutral point to design a Ranking of the Bills. Here we go:

10. Bill Murray - God
9. Bill Clinton - Slick Willy
8. William H. "Bill" Macy - An improvement to any movie.
7. The Bill of Rights - Essential reading.
6. Bill Shakespeare - A William by any other name...
5. "I'm Just a" Bill - He's ONLY a Bill.
4. Bill Pullman - The One From Spaceballs
3. Bill Maher - Keeps dropping down the list each year...
2. Kill Bill - Volumes: 1 through 2, Inclusive
1. Bill Cosby - PUDDIIIIIIIING!!!
0. Bill Paxton - The Perfect Neutrality of Bill
-1. Bill Bradley - Man, this guy disappointed me.
-2. Bill Nye - Science Guy
-3. Bill Amend - Foxtrot was really never that funny.
-4. William "Buffalo Bill" Cody - Poor man's P.T. Barnum.
-5. Cable Bill - Fuck you, cable bill.
-6. Bill Gates - Has. All. The money.
-7. Bill Kristol - Smart guy. Completely full of shit.
-8. Billy Carter - Drunken Brother of Jimmy.
-9. Mr. Bill - Eddie did a better Gumby on the same damn show.
-10. Bill O'Reilly - The Devil